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  1. #671
    Super Moderator EPL's Avatar
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    Bella Vista , CA
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    Husband and Wife Christmas Shopping
    A couple were in a busy shopping center just before Christmas. The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing and as they had a lot to do, so she called him on the mobile.
    The wife said " Where are you, you know we have lots to do."
    He said "You remember the jewelers we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with that diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time and I said that one day I would get it for you?"
    Little tears started to flow down her cheek and she got all
    choked upů
    "Yes, I do remember that shop." she replied.
    "Well I am in the gun shop next door to that."

  2. #672
    Super Moderator EPL's Avatar
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    With the holidays close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.
    Well, two days ago, this happened to me: I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several whiskies followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was way over the limit. That's when I did something I've never done before -- I took a taxi home!! Sure enough, on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident.
    This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it. So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.

  3. #673

  4. #674
    Super Moderator The Rattler (BLR)'s Avatar
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    Florence, Oregon
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    Your laugh for the day


    Sent from my moto z4 using Tapatalk
    Don't Run Out Of Talent

  5. #675
    Super Moderator The Rattler (BLR)'s Avatar
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    Apr 2015
    Location
    Florence, Oregon
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    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change:
    $20.00
    Coffee: $1.00
    Total: $21.00
    ==========
    Oil Change instructions for Men :
    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay $50.00.
    2) Stop and buy a case of beer, pay $20, drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine..
    Look for 13mm box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    21) Drink beer.
    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
    25) Begin cussing fit.
    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    28) Beer.
    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    30) Beer.
    31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    32) Beer.
    33) Lower car from jack stands.
    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
    35) Beer.
    36) Test drive car.
    37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    38) Car gets impounded.
    39) Call loving wife, make bail..
    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:
    Parts: $50.00
    DUI: $2500.00
    Impound fee: $75.00
    Bail: $1500.00
    Beer: $20.00
    Total: $4,145.00

    Knowing the job was done correctly..... Priceless

    Sent from my moto z4 using Tapatalk
    Don't Run Out Of Talent

  6. #676
    Super Moderator LBR's Avatar
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    Apr 2015
    Location
    Oregon Coast
    Posts
    1,883
    Quote Originally Posted by The Rattler (BLR) View Post
    Oil Change instructions for Women:

    1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
    3) 15 minutes later, pay and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

    Money spent:
    Oil Change:
    $20.00
    Coffee: $1.00
    Total: $21.00
    ==========
    Oil Change instructions for Men :
    1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, pay $50.00.
    2) Stop and buy a case of beer, pay $20, drive home.
    3) Open a beer and drink it.
    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
    7) Place drain pan under engine..
    Look for 13mm box end wrench.
    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
    10) Unscrew drain plug.
    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Cuss.
    12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
    14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
    15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
    16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
    17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
    18) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
    19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
    20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
    21) Drink beer.
    22) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
    23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
    24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
    25) Begin cussing fit.
    26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
    27) Cuss for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
    28) Beer.
    29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
    30) Beer.
    31) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
    32) Beer.
    33) Lower car from jack stands.
    34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
    35) Beer.
    36) Test drive car.
    37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
    38) Car gets impounded.
    39) Call loving wife, make bail..
    40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

    Money spent:
    Parts: $50.00
    DUI: $2500.00
    Impound fee: $75.00
    Bail: $1500.00
    Beer: $20.00
    Total: $4,145.00

    Knowing the job was done correctly..... Priceless

    Sent from my moto z4 using Tapatalk
    Sure hope with so few of "beer" references used that they were FULL cans of beer, and not just SIPs of beer.....righhhht??

  7. #677
    Super Moderator The Rattler (BLR)'s Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2015
    Location
    Florence, Oregon
    Posts
    4,125
    LOL..
    Interesting headline..

    Sent from my moto z4 using Tapatalk
    Don't Run Out Of Talent

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