Laugh for the day

[XS-Cash]

Friend asked me how I got two black eyes in one day. Well I was in church and the lady in front stood up and she had a wedgie so I pulled it out. Wap! one black eye. Guess she didn't want it out so I put it back in...

[EPL]

Old blind walks into a bar orders a beer and asks the bartender if she would like to hear a blonde joke the bartender replies that she doesn't think that would be a good idea. The old fella asks why and she replies that she is a blonde herself along with 4 other ladies in the bar, one being a professional weightlifter, 2 are biker gals and the other 2 are professional wrestlers. She asks him if he still wants to tell a blonde joke, he replies not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times !!

[Yellow Toy]

A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money and ask the bartender what's that for bartender says see that horse over there if you can make him laugh you can have the money, the guy walks over to the horse whispers in his ears and the horse starts laughing, the bartender says what did you tell him the guy replies I told him my stick is bigger than his.
So the bartender hands him the jar money and all he goes,
A couple of weeks later the man comes back and sees the jar full of money again again he asked the bartender whats that jar of money for bartender says if you can make that horse over there cry you can have the money so the guy walks over to the horse whispers and pulls his pants, and the horse starts crying, the guy comes back to the bartender and the bartender says what did you tell him the guy says I showed him.

[BZB123]

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"

The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."

[LBR]

a mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "hey, doc, can i ask you a question?"

the surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "so doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when i finish, it works just like new. So how come i get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and i are doing basically the same work?"

the surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"try doing it with the engine running."

lol!!

[Sweet34]

A Real American

A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy."Sure, Buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."

[Flying Dog]

Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

[Bedo]

q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.

lol !

[XS-Cash]

After much nagging from his wife the elderly farmer made a appointment to see a doctor. The doctor said he appeared fine except for one thing , doctor asked if he had ever been in a accident. Farmer replied no, but his bull once charged him and tossed him over the fence and out of the pasture. Doctor replied you don't consider that a accident, no replied the farmer I believe the bull did that on purpose

[Millerrg]

Want to know who loves you the most, your wife or the dog...Lock them both in your trunk and see which one is happy when you unlock the trunk and they see you.