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You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
your Jedi robe is camouflage.
you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
you have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
wookiees are offended by your B.O.
you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
you have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
you have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood decking.
you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
if you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
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Together At Last
Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel!"
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Minnesota Logic
A man and his wife moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona. The wife had a wooden leg, and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 per year.
When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to Sven's Insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and told the couple, $39.00.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure it, because it had cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!
Sven turned his computer screen toward the couple and said, "Vell, here it is, direct from Ole's Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: 'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.' "
I always did find the Minnesota logic far superior to most others.
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The Toothbrush Salesman
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
Bless his little heart.
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A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying mutt before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, then she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President.
