Some Crazy pictures....
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Printable View
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If I had this it would be flying across the room.
Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at Plesington golf course on the edge of Blackburn, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband."
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either."
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club"
^^that right there is funny stuff, folks!... haha
Car Keys- PRICELESS!!.
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?"he barked,"I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me."
He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years
........
...
Lol
Old Biker: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Old Biker: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
lmao !!Quote:
Originally Posted by mrh
SEX AND THE ELDERLY . . .
The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband", she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a
hundred times . . . What we have is:
Blue Cross!
Woman is a major Beatles fan. So much that she goes to the local tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of John Lennon on the inside of her left thigh and a picture of Paul McCartney on the inside of her right thigh.
A while after the procedure she removes the bandages. She is MAD! She doesn't think either tattoo looks anything like the famous musicians. Storms back to the tattoo parlor and starts screaming at the artist. He tells her they both are a splitting image. Tells her to go get the first person off the street and they will confirm his work.
Woman grabs a drunk homeless man from the curb and brings him into the store. She drops her pants, sits in the chair and spreads. Asks the drunk his opinion on who he thinks the tattoos are.
Drunk stares for a while, looking back and forth. Finally the woman says, "Does the tat on the left look like John Lennon? Does the tat on the right look like Paul McCartney?"
The drunk replies, "Not really, but the guy in the middle with the beard and bad breath, must be Willie Nelson!"
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As
before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three
times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I
have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you
taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,
"Black Pepper.”
Hahaha...black pepper!
Guess where I'm at now...LMAO!!
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Fifty Shades of Grey for Seniors
Back and forth . . ..
Back and forth . . ..
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right ..
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again . . . .
and again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
Hahaha..good stuff!
Well, that flows nicely when read fast.
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Viagra double dose
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of
Viagra but his request was denied.
"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My
girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my
exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming
home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can
check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office with his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked , "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
^^^^lol
Dodge 4x4 .
,
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also has the tendency to blacken finger nails.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers in the way, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.