lmao Good Stuff Bill
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lmao Good Stuff Bill
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding*evening.*After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,**where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"*
*
*"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."*
**
*"He's an @sshole," Dave said. "Pi$$ on him."**********************************
**
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."**********************************
**
"Well, £_(& him then" said Dave.**********************************
**
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on*Monday...."
That's funny [emoji12]
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Med school question:
Re-arrange letters P N E S I to reflect the part of the body most useful when erect.
If you answered SPINE you would likely go far, anything else and not so much.
Ron at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 75, looked him
over and replied, "Nope."Frustrated as all get out, Ron stormed off
into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen
completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
"Ron, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ron yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat, old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought
a hat, Ron. Shoulda bought a hat."
Lmao
Hahaha
"Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled up."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?"
"Well, Mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."
"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead!
**Really long pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?"
lmao !
So true .
Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer :
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f…ing thing!"
Lmao
Irish Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said,
'I'll tell you, .....it's a f--king' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a
devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
time bein g spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,
awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the
party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and
spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a
little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather
seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang .
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up
reading when he cam e in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
Lmao !
This is the best example for paying attention that you will ever hear.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body". For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid".
Lol...these are good!
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
LMAO Awesome
Somehow Leo, I knew you would appreciate that one.Quote:
Originally Posted by Beach Leo
I think this should be in the Joke section
I feel our President is a Joke
This is why>>>Obama’s socialism worked
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan”.. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A…. (substituting grades for dollars – something closer to home and more readily understood by all).
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. Could not be any simpler than that.
These are possibly the 5 best sentences you’ll ever read on this experiment:
You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!.
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.
What I am reading now is liberals, progressives or those that dismiss the STORY because it’s a scenario and not real. They can’t cope with the real truth that you can’t move poor people into prosperity by legislation from Washington, DC. Government doesn’t have the authority to take from Citizen A and give to Citizen B to make things even.
Remember the days when it was rock around the clock, now its limp around the block.
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Lmao !!
Good stuff guys lmao
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Attachment 729
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A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic Type, The Salvation Army Type, and The Baptist Type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
^^hahaha!
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
*
Lol
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
A TEXAN IN THE BIG CITY
A Texan walked into a bank in New York City and asked to see the loan officer. He told the loan officer he was going to Houston on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. He informed the loan officer he was not a depositor of the bank.
The loan officer told him the bank would need some form of security for the loan and the Texan handed him the keys to a new Ferrari. The title checked out okay so the loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral. He told the Texan the bank would charge 12% interest for the loan, and the man said that would be okay.
After the Texan left the bank president and the other officers laughed about getting a $400,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. Then they drove the Ferrari into a secure area of the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Texan returned and repaid the $5,000 loan plus $23.08 in interest.
The loan officer said: "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has been completed satisfactorily, but we’re curious about something. We checked and found that you’re a very wealthy man. You have hundreds of thousands of dollars on deposit in various banks. Why you would borrow $5,000 for a short business trip?"
The Texan smiled and said, "Where else in New York City can I park a Ferrari for two weeks for $23.08 and expect it to be here when I return?"
Lmao!!
I am going to retire and live off my savings, what I will do on the second day I have no idea.
Bob and Larry are out fishing in the river and eventually they drift under a bridge.
As they drift back out, a funeral procession crosses over the bridge. Seeing this, Bob stands up, removes his hat and places it over his heart waiting for the procession to pass.
Touched, Larry comments "Bob, that was a really nice thing to do. I'm impressed".
Bob nods and says "Well, Larry, I was married to her for 34 years. I figure it's the least I can do".
The man who just drove into the parking space I was waiting for, then told me to EFF off just arrived for his job interview......with me!