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Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer :
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f…ing thing!"
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Irish Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said,
'I'll tell you, .....it's a f--king' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
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Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a
devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
time bein g spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,
awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the
party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and
spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a
little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather
seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang .
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up
reading when he cam e in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
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This is the best example for paying attention that you will ever hear.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body". For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid".
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A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
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Quote:
Originally Posted by
Beach Leo
LMAO Awesome
Somehow Leo, I knew you would appreciate that one.
