View Full Version : Laugh for the day
The Rattler (BLR)
04-17-2015, 10:04 AM
OK lets post a funny
10
The Rattler (BLR)
04-17-2015, 01:30 PM
For all of us Crazies
11
johnnycat8
04-20-2015, 11:39 PM
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to ‘clean up’ the bird’s vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even more rude. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird spoke-up, very softly, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
Fast Pat
04-21-2015, 03:28 PM
Lol !
60
The Rattler (BLR)
04-22-2015, 09:19 AM
62no !!!
Games for Brodie and his gang
88 .
Todd Johnson
04-25-2015, 05:15 PM
A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder. She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully munches up.
After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of almonds. She repeats this gesture about eight times.
At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they don't eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies that it is not possible because of their old teeth, they are not able to chew them. "Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Where upon the old lady Answers, "We just love the chocolate around them."
582RDB
04-26-2015, 06:31 PM
I think this is a good one.
96
Wrdwzrd
04-26-2015, 07:00 PM
One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged.
When his boss asked him what happened, he explained:
"Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang
and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"
"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what
about the other?" "They called back!"
I think this is a good one.
96
Someone read my mind !!!!!!!! LOL
XS-Cash
05-04-2015, 03:32 PM
Friend asked me how I got two black eyes in one day. Well I was in church and the lady in front stood up and she had a wedgie so I pulled it out. Wap! one black eye. Guess she didn't want it out so I put it back in...
Old blind walks into a bar orders a beer and asks the bartender if she would like to hear a blonde joke the bartender replies that she doesn't think that would be a good idea. The old fella asks why and she replies that she is a blonde herself along with 4 other ladies in the bar, one being a professional weightlifter, 2 are biker gals and the other 2 are professional wrestlers. She asks him if he still wants to tell a blonde joke, he replies not if I'm gonna have to explain it 5 times !!
Yellow Toy
05-06-2015, 07:52 PM
A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar full of money and ask the bartender what's that for bartender says see that horse over there if you can make him laugh you can have the money, the guy walks over to the horse whispers in his ears and the horse starts laughing, the bartender says what did you tell him the guy replies I told him my stick is bigger than his.
So the bartender hands him the jar money and all he goes,
A couple of weeks later the man comes back and sees the jar full of money again again he asked the bartender whats that jar of money for bartender says if you can make that horse over there cry you can have the money so the guy walks over to the horse whispers and pulls his pants, and the horse starts crying, the guy comes back to the bartender and the bartender says what did you tell him the guy says I showed him.
BZB123
05-07-2015, 08:09 AM
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey, Doc, can I ask you a question?"
The surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"Try doing it with the engine running."
a mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a harley
motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there, waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, "hey, doc, can i ask you a question?"
the surgeon a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle. The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "so doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix 'em, put 'em back in, and when i finish, it works just like new. So how come i get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and i are doing basically the same work?"
the surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, and whispered to the mechanic...
"try doing it with the engine running."
lol!!
Sweet34
05-10-2015, 07:13 PM
A Real American
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy."Sure, Buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
Flying Dog
05-11-2015, 08:42 PM
Q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
q: What's the definition of mixed emotions?
A: When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your brand new car.
lol !
XS-Cash
05-12-2015, 09:00 PM
After much nagging from his wife the elderly farmer made a appointment to see a doctor. The doctor said he appeared fine except for one thing , doctor asked if he had ever been in a accident. Farmer replied no, but his bull once charged him and tossed him over the fence and out of the pasture. Doctor replied you don't consider that a accident, no replied the farmer I believe the bull did that on purpose
Millerrg
05-14-2015, 07:37 PM
Want to know who loves you the most, your wife or the dog...Lock them both in your trunk and see which one is happy when you unlock the trunk and they see you.
Yellow Toy
06-01-2015, 09:27 PM
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy."Sure, Buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
The Rattler (BLR)
06-03-2015, 06:43 PM
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/06/03/fb3ac5ea8deec03064347c08aab9538e.jpg
Fuzzy
06-03-2015, 09:08 PM
294
lol .....
Mike621
06-03-2015, 10:20 PM
Ouch[emoji15][emoji16]
LMAO
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
This is the story of the blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
"May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead. And I don't know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!"
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
"This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and get you back on the ground. I've had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
'Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position."
She says, "I'm 5'4" and I support Obama."
"O.K."... says the voice on the radio...." Repeat after me: ´Our Father, who art in heaven. . . ..'"
Mike621
06-09-2015, 06:04 PM
[emoji106][emoji109][emoji23]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
lainracing
06-09-2015, 08:25 PM
[emoji23]
The Rattler (BLR)
07-06-2015, 11:32 PM
Be careful when having your picture taken...lmaohttp://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/06/83d37ac1f5b7e5237eb4faf837ee482d.jpg
Pipelayer
07-07-2015, 05:30 PM
A guy traveling through Mexico on vacation lost his wallet and all of his identification. Cutting his trip short, he attempted to make his way home, but was stopped by the U.S. Customs Agent at the border. "May I see your identification, please?" asked the agent. "I'm sorry, but I lost my wallet," replied the guy."Sure, Buddy, I hear that every day. No ID, no entry," said the agent. "But I can prove I'm an American!" he exclaimed. "I have a picture of Ronald Reagan tattooed on one side of my butt and George Bush on the other." "This I gotta see," replied the agent. With that, the guy dropped his pants and showed the agent his behind. "By golly, you're right!" exclaimed the agent. "Have a safe trip back to Chicago ." "Thanks!" he said. "But how did you know I was from Chicago ?" The agent replied, "I recognized Obama in the middle."
Lol
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Pipelayer
07-07-2015, 06:03 PM
Man tells his wife that when he dies that his final wish is to have all of his money buried in the casket with him. So the time comes that the man dies and at his funeral his wife has them open the casket and places a large box in it.. After the funeral her friend says to her "you put all of the money in the casket". She replies oh hell no, I wrote him a check....
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
man tells his wife that when he dies that his final wish is to have all of his money buried in the casket with him. So the time comes that the man dies and at his funeral his wife has them open the casket and places a large box in it.. After the funeral her friend says to her "you put all of the money in the casket". She replies oh hell no, i wrote him a check....
Sent from my iphone using tapatalk
lol !!!
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.... *
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. *
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the* *shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' *
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you
go give it a try?' *
The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. Later
in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the **young woman
standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.*
he shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the
gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ...... *
"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"*
The Rattler (BLR)
07-07-2015, 08:54 PM
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.... *
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. *
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the* *shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' *
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you
go give it a try?' *
The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. Later
in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the **young woman
standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.*
he shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the
gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ...... *
"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"*
Lmao...funny
Pipelayer
07-08-2015, 09:46 AM
Lol
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Oops!
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/08/1c22a39d78eb3d8528ce3bb4b838b4dc.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/08/8bf20d74e5e36dc8863b5c51e28ed2bb.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/08/90aa2955497e020c8ea181619af460e5.jpg
Beach Leo
07-08-2015, 10:21 AM
ALABAMA DECLARES WAR ON USA
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
"Hello, President Obama” a heavily accented southern voice said. "This is
Archie, down here at Joe's Catfish Shack, in Mobile , and I am callin' to
tell ya’ll that we are officially declaring war on y'all!"
"Well Archie," Barack replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is
your army?"
"Right now," said Archie, after a moments calculation "there is myself, my
cousin Harold, my next-door-neighbor Randy, and the whole dart team from
Hooters. That makes eight!"
Barack paused. "I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my
army waiting to move on my command."
"Wow," said Archie. "I'll have to call ya back!"
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still
on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Archie?" Barack asked.
"Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor."
President Obama sighed. "I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks
and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I've increased my army to one
and a half million since we last spoke."
"Lord above", said Archie, "I'll be getting back to ya."
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. “President Obama! I am sorry
to have to tell you that we have had to call off this here war."
"I'm sorry to hear that" said Barack. "Why the sudden change of heart?"
Well, sir," said Archie, "we've all sat ourselves down and had a long chat
over sweet tea, and come to realize that there's just no way we can feed
that many prisoners."
Flying Dog
07-10-2015, 08:01 AM
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU'VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE.... *
She desperately wanted a pair of beautiful alligator shoes. *
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the* *shopkeepers,
the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my
own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' *
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ’Well, little lady, why don't you
go give it a try?' *
The blonde headed off to the swamp,determined to catch an alligator. Later
in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the **young woman
standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand. He saw a huge
9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the
blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead 'gators, all lying belly up.*
he shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the
gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration ...... *
"Son-of-a-bitch!! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT TOO!"*
LMAO !! I haven't seen this one before .
Farmer Joe decided his injuries from an accident were serious enough to sue the truck driver who hit him. In court the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
Lawyer: "Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I am fine'?"
Farmer Joe: "Well, I will tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the...."
"I didn't ask for any details," the lawyer interrupted, "just answer the question." "Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe: "Well I had just gotten Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and said to the lawyer, "I would like to hear what he has to say."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning and I knew she was in terrible shape.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After looking at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. He then came across the road to me with gun in hand and said, "Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?"
Pipelayer
07-13-2015, 08:08 AM
Hahaha
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
"It is a slow day in a little Greek Village. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night.
*
The owner gives him some keys and as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs,* the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
*
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the tavern.
*
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute* drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.
*
She then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the €100 note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
*
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the €100 note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with optimism.
Lennart
07-20-2015, 07:20 AM
Lol !!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Rattler (BLR)
07-20-2015, 11:01 AM
I think the hotel guy got screwed...lol
Turtle Tim
07-21-2015, 07:00 PM
626
Pipelayer
07-21-2015, 10:26 PM
Hahaha
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
My blonde neighbor said "I don't get it". Lol
Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat called Alan for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The Fairy Godmother replied, “Well, Cinderella, since you have lived a good, wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella is overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish:
“I wish I was wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Alan, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother!”
The Fairy Godmother replied, “It’s the least I can do. What does your heart wish for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again.”
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned.
Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years and long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her very soul.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke. “You have one more wish, what will you have?”
Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, “I wish you to transform Alan my old cat into a beautiful and handsome young man.”
Magically, Alan suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a boy, so beautiful the like of which she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds begun to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke. “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life!”
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Alan and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect boy she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young, muscular arms.
He leaned in close to her ear, whispered, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath …
“I BET YOU REGRET HAVING ME NEUTERED NOW, DON’T YOU ??”
Pipelayer
07-22-2015, 08:47 PM
That's funny
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/22/813af683022b78c92848838b450a4f3e.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/22/b7f7bdeae5116996b280be55043284ef.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/22/5804ce0f9eb3925f7048caedf86c7888.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/22/fadf19e52c429d7e015f3b3ae423d656.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/07/22/37869a50e732d460397dc5cfd76ad093.jpg
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband ’s temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband
is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your
mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the
room or calms down.
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband
started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he
calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth
shut that does the trick".
Pipelayer
07-24-2015, 08:28 PM
Hahaha
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Beach Leo
07-24-2015, 08:47 PM
Lmao
Pipelayer
07-25-2015, 01:08 PM
Two blondes were driving into Disneyland and see a sign saying Disneyland Left. They both started crying and turned around and went home..
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
lainracing
07-25-2015, 05:45 PM
That's Funny
Beach Leo
07-27-2015, 02:20 PM
Good One
Sent from my Dragon Touch M8 using Tapatalk
A guy gets pulled over for rolling through a stop sign. When the officer tells him why he was pulled over the man replies "but I slowed down, and nobody was coming. What's the big deal?" The officer than tells the man "the sign says stop, not slow down", to which the man again says "but I slowed down!" The officer opens the mans truck door, pulls him out and starts beating him with his night stick. As the officer is beating him, the man keeps screaming "STOP! STOP!" The officer pauses, looks down at the man and asks "So, to be clear, do you want me to stop, or just slow down?"
Pipelayer
07-27-2015, 06:34 PM
Haha that's funny Ed
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Yellow Toy
07-28-2015, 08:06 PM
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
your Jedi robe is camouflage.
you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
you have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
wookiees are offended by your B.O.
you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
you have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
you have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood decking.
you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
if you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
Together At Last
Judy married Ted; they had 13 children. Ted died.
She married again, and she & Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.
Judy remarried again, and this time, she & John had 5 more children.
Judy finally died, after having 25 children.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."
Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend, Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"Margaret replied: "I think he means her legs, Ethel!"
Beach Leo
07-30-2015, 01:34 AM
681
Minnesota Logic
A man and his wife moved back home to Minnesota from Arizona. The wife had a wooden leg, and to insure it in Arizona was $2,000.00 per year.
When they arrived in Minnesota, they went to Sven's Insurance Agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg. Sven looked it up on his computer and told the couple, $39.00.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Minnesota to insure it, because it had cost him $2,000.00 in Arizona!
Sven turned his computer screen toward the couple and said, "Vell, here it is, direct from Ole's Minnesota Fire Insurance Company, it says: 'Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.' "
I always did find the Minnesota logic far superior to most others.
The Toothbrush Salesman
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good", said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said. "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."
"Very good, Debbie", said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher. "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny. "I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing; "Hey, this tastes like dog poop!" I would say, "It is dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush?" "I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
Bless his little heart.
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!"
"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?"
"Just send him over here with $1,000" the young Arkie says "and I'll get him in the course."
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ole' Blue doing son?" his Father asks.
"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"
"Read!?" says his Father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?"
"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
"Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!"
"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does".
"Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?"
The Father went white and exclaimed, "I hope you shot that lying mutt before he talks to your Mother!"
"I sure did, Dad!"
"That's my boy!"
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, then she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President.
Beach Leo
07-30-2015, 10:35 PM
lmao Good Stuff Bill
Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding*evening.*After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs,**where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Marilyn," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"*
*
*"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face."*
**
*"He's an @sshole," Dave said. "Pi$$ on him."**********************************
**
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."**********************************
**
"Well, £_(& him then" said Dave.**********************************
**
"I did", said Marilyn, "You're back at work on*Monday...."
TrailGirl78
08-01-2015, 04:04 PM
That's funny [emoji12]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Med school question:
Re-arrange letters P N E S I to reflect the part of the body most useful when erect.
If you answered SPINE you would likely go far, anything else and not so much.
Ron at 80 years old, always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots,
so seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.
Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,
"Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 75, looked him
over and replied, "Nope."Frustrated as all get out, Ron stormed off
into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen
completely naked except for the new boots.
Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time,
"Notice anything different NOW???"
Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response,
"Ron, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging
down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ron yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?"
"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.
"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"
Without missing a beat, old Margaret replies, "Shoulda bought
a hat, Ron. Shoulda bought a hat."
"Hi, honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don't have an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy right now."
Brief pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. I want you to put the phone down, run upstairs and knock on the door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled up."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?"
"Well, Mommy got scared, jumped out of bed naked and ran around screaming. Then she tripped on the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all."
"Oh my God! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the back window into the pool. But I guess he didn't know you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead!
**Really long pause**
Then Daddy says, "Swimming pool? Is this 486-5732?"
Dingbat
08-02-2015, 07:40 PM
lmao !
Beach Leo
08-04-2015, 06:26 PM
Story from a Kansas State Highway Patrol Officer :
I made a traffic stop on an elderly lady the other day for speeding
on U.S. 166 Eastbound at Mile Marker 73 just East of Sedan, KS.
I asked for her driver's license, registration, and proof of insurance.
The lady took out the required information and handed it to me.
In with the cards I was somewhat surprised (due to her advanced age)
to see she had a conceal carry permit. I looked at her and ask if
she had a weapon in her possession at this time.
She responded that she indeed had a .45 automatic in her glove box.
Something---body language, or the way she said it---made me want
to ask if she had any other firearms. She did admit to also having
a 9mm Glock in her center console. Now I had to ask one more
time if that was all. She responded once again that she did have
just one more, a .38 special in her purse. I then asked her what
was she so afraid of.
She looked me right in the eye and said, "Not a f…ing thing!"
Irish Lubricant
Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.
He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said.
'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son,!
'Ain't dat grand, !!'
Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,
'Hold on! We ain't finished yet, !'
The doctor then delivered a little girl.
He said,
'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter, !!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'
Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said,
'Hold on, we aint got done yet, !'
The doctor then delivered another boy and said,
'Murph, you just had yourself another boy, !'
Murphy said to the doctor,
'Doc, what caused all of dem babies,?'
The doctor said,
'You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.'
Murphy said,
'Ah yeah, during conception.'
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said,
'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'
She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'
Murph said,
'I'll tell you, .....it's a f--king' good ting we didn't use WD-40.
Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky costume Party. She got a terrible
headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a
devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to
take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good
time bein g spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away
he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour,
awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the
party. Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how
he acted when she was not with him. She joined the party and
spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing
with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a
little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather
seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and
devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang .
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put
the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of
explanation he would make for his behavior. She was sitting up
reading when he cam e in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: "- Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."
- "Did you dance much?"
- "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I
met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den
and played poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what
happened to the guy I loaned my costume to......."
Mavmann
08-05-2015, 08:03 AM
Lmao !
This is the best example for paying attention that you will ever hear.
First-year students at the Purdue Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.
The professor started the class by telling them "In veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal's body". For an example, the professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the cow, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
"Go ahead and do the same thing" he told his students.
The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead cow and sucking on it.
When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said "The second most important quality is observation. Note: I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough but it's even tougher if you're stupid".
A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.
After looking around, he realized they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds. The breeze was warm and gentle, a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep.
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze, perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those "feelings" again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, "Take the dog for a walk."
Beach Leo
08-05-2015, 03:03 PM
LMAO Awesome
LMAO Awesome
Somehow Leo, I knew you would appreciate that one.
Beach Leo
08-05-2015, 03:32 PM
I think this should be in the Joke section
I feel our President is a Joke
This is why>>>Obama’s socialism worked
An economics professor at a local college made a statement that he had never failed a single student before, but had recently failed an entire class. That class had insisted that Obama’s socialism worked and that no one would be poor and no one would be rich, a great equalizer.
The professor then said, “OK, we will have an experiment in this class on Obama’s plan”.. All grades will be averaged and everyone will receive the same grade so no one will fail and no one will receive an A…. (substituting grades for dollars – something closer to home and more readily understood by all).
After the first test, the grades were averaged and everyone got a B. The students who studied hard were upset and the students who studied little were happy. As the second test rolled around, the students who studied little had studied even less and the ones who studied hard decided they wanted a free ride too so they studied little.
The second test average was a D! No one was happy. When the 3rd test rolled around, the average was an F. As the tests proceeded, the scores never increased as bickering, blame and name-calling all resulted in hard feelings and no one would study for the benefit of anyone else.
To their great surprise, ALL FAILED and the professor told them that socialism would also ultimately fail because when the reward is great, the effort to succeed is great, but when government takes all the reward away, no one will try or want to succeed. Could not be any simpler than that.
These are possibly the 5 best sentences you’ll ever read on this experiment:
You cannot legislate the poor into prosperity by legislating the wealthy out of prosperity.
What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving.
The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.
You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it!.
When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that is the beginning of the end of any nation.
What I am reading now is liberals, progressives or those that dismiss the STORY because it’s a scenario and not real. They can’t cope with the real truth that you can’t move poor people into prosperity by legislation from Washington, DC. Government doesn’t have the authority to take from Citizen A and give to Citizen B to make things even.
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/05/275dca2131ba6057edf877793836df00.jpg
Remember the days when it was rock around the clock, now its limp around the block.
Beach Leo
08-06-2015, 09:37 PM
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away. The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died. The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died. The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
Pipelayer
08-07-2015, 08:41 PM
Good stuff guys lmao
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Mike621
08-07-2015, 10:25 PM
729
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife"
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material.
"Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic Type, The Salvation Army Type, and The Baptist Type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills.
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/10/d1f73ca0df11e6b9ad4226c5e77fcf98.jpg
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ..."I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...
"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago".
*
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
A TEXAN IN THE BIG CITY
A Texan walked into a bank in New York City and asked to see the loan officer. He told the loan officer he was going to Houston on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000. He informed the loan officer he was not a depositor of the bank.
The loan officer told him the bank would need some form of security for the loan and the Texan handed him the keys to a new Ferrari. The title checked out okay so the loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral. He told the Texan the bank would charge 12% interest for the loan, and the man said that would be okay.
After the Texan left the bank president and the other officers laughed about getting a $400,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. Then they drove the Ferrari into a secure area of the bank's underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Texan returned and repaid the $5,000 loan plus $23.08 in interest.
The loan officer said: "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has been completed satisfactorily, but we’re curious about something. We checked and found that you’re a very wealthy man. You have hundreds of thousands of dollars on deposit in various banks. Why you would borrow $5,000 for a short business trip?"
The Texan smiled and said, "Where else in New York City can I park a Ferrari for two weeks for $23.08 and expect it to be here when I return?"
crazywatson
08-11-2015, 06:57 PM
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/11/c0ed6e575606f31a1bc6969c856bc80e.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/12/785445a81919650ef6eb43e67087c6ec.jpg
I am going to retire and live off my savings, what I will do on the second day I have no idea.
Bob and Larry are out fishing in the river and eventually they drift under a bridge.
As they drift back out, a funeral procession crosses over the bridge. Seeing this, Bob stands up, removes his hat and places it over his heart waiting for the procession to pass.
Touched, Larry comments "Bob, that was a really nice thing to do. I'm impressed".
Bob nods and says "Well, Larry, I was married to her for 34 years. I figure it's the least I can do".
The man who just drove into the parking space I was waiting for, then told me to EFF off just arrived for his job interview......with me!
Beach Leo
08-15-2015, 07:29 PM
http://anticache.img0.joyreactor.com/pics/post/mom-caught-daughter-sex-2072968.gif
BZB123
08-15-2015, 09:16 PM
One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
David, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night.
This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning.
We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild.
We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'
The Postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?'
Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.'
The postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it.'
'Probably a good thing you did,' David responded. 'Your name came up 7 times.'
lol^^
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/16/e045a4b83f47b3ef3667c18fd5eed018.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/16/9effd5e2448710cb63d71aacab12ce3e.jpg
Turtle Tim
08-16-2015, 11:38 AM
794
Turtle Tim
08-16-2015, 11:41 AM
795
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/17/5beda138a61205d76a915321f0618d00.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/17/ad294f12199064e9483b5cba0750d4e5.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/17/11c4fa9211d6c26c73dce85727b01ad8.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/17/ba9ac777743c163ca73968455c700e43.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/18/7531fad9a000484c8d4f035981382cf0.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/18/7bf86367fe2080f26d09c681d69af33c.jpg
This one is always good for a chuckle
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/18/056d37e58fd00cea4df6f88802f63dcc.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/19/9d929ea3f7566bce72540062e66bf7f2.jpg
Turtle Tim
08-19-2015, 10:54 PM
LOL. The lyin' king,
Beach Leo
08-19-2015, 11:08 PM
Husband takes the wife to a disco. There’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, the works. The wife turns to her husband and says: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down." Husband says: "Looks like he’s still fucking celebrating!!"
Beach Leo
08-19-2015, 11:28 PM
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Beach Leo
08-20-2015, 12:12 AM
Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you
shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like
the way you're thinking." Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the
second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?" "Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone." "No,"
said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."
Beach Leo
08-20-2015, 01:09 AM
https://archive.org/details/funny_or_die_video_74
An Amish woman was driving her buggy to town when a highway patrol officer stopped her. "I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the reflector on the back of your buggy is broken and it could be dangerous."
"I thank thee", replied the Amish lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."
"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."
"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check both when I get home."
True to her word when the Amish lady got home she told her husband about the broken reflector, and he said he would put a new one on immediately.
"Also," said the Amish woman, "The policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/20/d77b03f5e66f1b30818f1235d7c7518d.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/21/50c4c8395fe8e47690f3c997ffabf002.jpg
Beach Leo
08-21-2015, 02:32 PM
George Carlin
There’s a reason education SUCKS, and it’s the same reason that it will never, ever, ever be fixed. It’s never going to get any better, don’t look for it, be happy with what you’ve got. Because the owners of this country don’t want that. I’m talking about the REAL owners, now. The REAL owners, the BIG WEALTHY business interests that control things and make all the important decisions — forget the politicians. The politicians are put there to give you the idea that you have freedom of choice. YOU DON’T. You have no choice. You have OWNERS. They OWN YOU. They own EVERYTHING. They own all the important land, they own and control the corporations; they’ve long since bought and paid for the Senate, the Congress, the State houses, the City Halls; they’ve got the judges in their back pockets, and they own all the big media companies so they control just about all the news and information you get to hear.
They gotcha by the BALLS. They spend billions of dollars every year lobbying — lobbying to get what they want. Well, we know what they want — they want MORE for themselves and less for everybody else. But I’ll tell you what they don’t want. They DON’T want a population of citizens capable of critical thinking. They don’t want well-informed, well-educated people capable of critical thinking. They’re not interested in that, that doesn’t help them. That’s against their interests. That’s right. They don’t want people who are smart enough to sit around the kitchen table and figure out how badly they’re getting FUCKED by the system that threw them overboard 30 fuckin’ years ago. They don’t want that.
You know what they want? They want OBEDIENT WORKERS. OBEDIENT WORKERS. People who are just smart enough to run the machines and do the paperwork, and just dumb enough to passively accept all these increasingly shittier jobs with the lower pay, the longer hours, the reduced benefits, the end of overtime, and the vanishing pension that disappears the minute you go to collect it. And now they’re comin’ for your SOCIAL SECURITY MONEY. They want your fuckin’ retirement money. They want it BACK. So they can give it to their criminal friends on Wall Street. And you know something? They’ll get it. They’ll get it ALL from you sooner or later — ‘cuz they OWN this fuckin’ place. It’s a big CLUB. And YOU AIN’T IN IT. You and I are NOT IN the big club. By the way, it’s the same big club they use to beat you over the head with all day long when they tell you what to believe. All day long, beating you over the in their media telling you what to believe — what to think — and what to buy. The table is tilted, folks. The game is rigged. And nobody seems to notice. Nobody seems to care
Good honest hard-workin people — white collar, blue collar — doesn’t matter what color shirt you have on. Good honest hard-workin people CONTINUE — these are people of modest means — continue to elect these RICH COCKSUCKERS who don’t GIVE a fuck about them. They don’t give a fuck about you, they don’t GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU. THEY DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU — AT ALL. AT ALL. AT ALL. You know? And nobody seems to notice, nobody seems to care … that’s what the owners count on, the fact that Americans will probably remain willfully ignorant of the big red, white and blue dick that’s being jammed up their assholes every day. Because the owners of this country know the truth — it’s called the American Dream … ‘cuz you have to be asleep to believe it.”
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/26/e9fa011ef2d5e03eee4e7b1b192b3dba.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/26/e94004581590e54574c0c2a6114a603b.jpg
Millerrg
08-27-2015, 08:19 AM
I shook my family tree and a bunch of nuts fell off.
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/27/b3ce59a49e39012bf7f8c2e6b5124a55.jpg
Turtle Tim
08-27-2015, 10:30 PM
Now that is funny!!
Beer Mod
08-27-2015, 11:12 PM
Dang I've been missing out!!! Funny stuff
Beer Mod
08-27-2015, 11:29 PM
...
Beer Mod
08-29-2015, 01:27 AM
...
You might be a Redneck Jedi if.....
you ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all."
your Jedi robe is camouflage.
you have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light.
at least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored.
you can easily describe the taste of an Ewok.
you have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard.
the worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters.
wookiees are offended by your B.O.
you have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial.
you have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side...it'll be a hoot."
you have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light.
you have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder.
you ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts.
you have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window.
you have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca.
you suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood decking.
you were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene.
if you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father ... and your uncle."
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/29/d2b6e24eaf1b5a121b21db938eed36a1.jpg
Lennart
08-30-2015, 08:26 AM
Lmao !
Lennart
08-30-2015, 08:27 AM
I stopped by the Ford Dealership
> Yesterday, for a look at the new F-250
> Pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test
> drive. I wanted to
> sense that new truck "feel and smell."
>
> The salesman (a handsome, big black man wearing an Obama
> "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next
> to me, describing the truck and all its
> "wonderful" options.
>
> The seats were of particular interest. He explained
> that the seats
> directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed
> cool air to
> your butt in the summer heat.
>
> Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be
> a
> Republican truck.
>
> Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a
> Republican truck.
>
> I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would
> just blow
> smoke up your ass year-round.
>
> I had to walk back to the dealership. Guy had no sense
> of humor.
Beer Mod
08-30-2015, 08:58 AM
^^^ haha
Beer Mod
08-30-2015, 08:59 AM
...
I stopped by the Ford Dealership
> Yesterday, for a look at the new F-250
> Pickup. Just for fun, I took it out for a test
> drive. I wanted to
> sense that new truck "feel and smell."
>
> The salesman (a handsome, big black man wearing an Obama
> "change" lapel pin) sat in the passenger seat next
> to me, describing the truck and all its
> "wonderful" options.
>
> The seats were of particular interest. He explained
> that the seats
> directed warm air to your butt in the winter and directed
> cool air to
> your butt in the summer heat.
>
> Feeling like messing with him, I mentioned that this must be
> a
> Republican truck.
>
> Looking a bit angry, he asked why I thought it was a
> Republican truck.
>
> I explained that if it were an Obama truck, the seats would
> just blow
> smoke up your ass year-round.
>
> I had to walk back to the dealership. Guy had no sense
> of humor.
Hahaha....that is rich!
A plastic surgeon invented a radical new face lift procedure and was explaining it to a prospective patient. He told her "I'll install a special screw in the top of your skull. Your hair will cover it so it will be unnoticed. Whenever you need a little tuck, we'll just tighten the screw a little... and the wrinkles will disappear!" The woman was enthused and told the doctor to "GO FOR IT!" The surgery was a resounding success, and the woman went home happy. A few months later, the woman returned in a great state of agitation. She pointed to her face and said "Just look at these bags under my eyes! Where the hell did they come from?" The surgeon looked at her closely and said "Those aren't BAGS under your eyes. Those are your breasts. And if you keep messing around with that screw... pretty soon you'll have a goatee!"
Some Crazy pictures....
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/30/22977b449b41224f80362553619b6195.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/30/00eff785de76340799cb73c841985d53.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/30/29448ac0927b5524379b065e2374df9b.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/30/e9e0819be4961be4eea47bd8857bbe74.jpg
If I had this it would be flying across the room.
Three Ladies are playing the fourth hole at Plesington golf course on the edge of Blackburn, when a naked man wearing a paper bag over his head jumps from the trees and runs across the green.
The three ladies stand in awe at the size of his manhood.
The first lady says, "He is definitely not my husband."
The second lady, gazes at his manhood and says, "He is not mine either."
After a very considered inspection, the third lady finally says, "He's not even a member of this golf club"
^^that right there is funny stuff, folks!... haha
Car Keys- PRICELESS!!.
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?"he barked,"I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said,"Well, come and get me."
He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Welcome to the golden years
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/08/31/e05421d6f17547e749a7a889c444c963.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/01/4574f62c7ea8629ad198b94b9a732bf2.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/01/e77492f49a041f0ac78d02a77072d58f.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/02/c340b31e3966d2de2706a201b368d1e5.jpg
Beer Mod
09-03-2015, 12:13 AM
...
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/04/e44251b3b5a7a98eb7777ea6a4adbe3b.jpg
Flash
09-05-2015, 08:32 AM
Lol
Old Biker: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Old Biker: "Nah...She's purty good lookin'....."
old biker: "give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
cashier: "do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
old biker: "nah...she's purty good lookin'....."
lmao !!
SEX AND THE ELDERLY . . .
The eighty-three year old lady finished her annual physical examination, the doctor said, "You are in fine shape for your age, Mrs. Green, but tell me, do you still have intercourse?"
"Just a minute, I'll have to ask my husband", she said.
She stepped out into the crowded reception room and yelled out loud: "Bob, do we still have intercourse?"
There was a complete hush - you could have heard a pin drop.
Bob answered impatiently, "If I told you once, Irma, I've told you a
hundred times . . . What we have is:
Blue Cross!
Woman is a major Beatles fan. So much that she goes to the local tattoo parlor and asks for a picture of John Lennon on the inside of her left thigh and a picture of Paul McCartney on the inside of her right thigh.
A while after the procedure she removes the bandages. She is MAD! She doesn't think either tattoo looks anything like the famous musicians. Storms back to the tattoo parlor and starts screaming at the artist. He tells her they both are a splitting image. Tells her to go get the first person off the street and they will confirm his work.
Woman grabs a drunk homeless man from the curb and brings him into the store. She drops her pants, sits in the chair and spreads. Asks the drunk his opinion on who he thinks the tattoos are.
Drunk stares for a while, looking back and forth. Finally the woman says, "Does the tat on the left look like John Lennon? Does the tat on the right look like Paul McCartney?"
The drunk replies, "Not really, but the guy in the middle with the beard and bad breath, must be Willie Nelson!"
The Sneeze
A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first
class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose,
then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue,
wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still
curious about the shuddering.
A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As
before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking
even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman
and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three
times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
"I am sorry if I disturbed you. I have a very rare medical condition.
Whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I
have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you
taking anything for it?"
The woman nodded,
"Black Pepper.”
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/09/ab1e1eb4f2822841d403be43b23e1ec8.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/09/8f67cd2ea6bc7cce9fe2b74d682b0d0f.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/09/6b2b4c791d643333d2ea4bbcd25a3f52.jpg
Guess where I'm at now...LMAO!!
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/14/cf955100efe93690d9e743b3171a8690.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/14/a37cf898165850518ca1c5a563fdc305.jpg
Fifty Shades of Grey for Seniors
Back and forth . . ..
Back and forth . . ..
In and out . . . .
In and out . . . .
A little to the right ..
A little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . .
And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end.
He was in ecstasy . . . .
with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . .
Forwards then backwards. . . .
Forward then backward. . . .
Again . . . .
and again . . . .
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . .
softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . .
totally exhausted . . . .
she let out a piercing scream . . . .
"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park. You do it!"
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/14/35319f4384e94590dc59c1288a861ba8.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/16/6d8cb55ca79c362025791c62a807b06a.jpg
Well, that flows nicely when read fast.
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/27/6c171b090944e77ffab37731c4b8e920.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/27/4422593a2630eb4a3f181ca3f9348bdd.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/27/3eb8151d1b288b70b1d51cd87c4ededd.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/27/d72bb1a835b1744beb185798ae253683.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/27/f688c4bb3df3d7bd81a2db8ef6f108a7.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/29/e476235a29dc12de48d730f405b6f686.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/29/03529bfa9d4b9c85ead4c18c172c632e.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/09/29/cd368923069bb6265949c4380e363cf9.jpg
XS-Cash
09-30-2015, 08:21 AM
Viagra double dose
A man went to the doctor to get a double dose of
Viagra but his request was denied.
"Why can't I have a double dose?" the man asked.
"It's not safe," the doctor replied.
"But I need it really bad," the man explained. "My
girlfriend is coming into town on Friday, one of my
exes will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming
home on Sunday."
"Okay, I'll give it to you," the doctor relented. "But
you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can
check to see if there are any side effects."
On Monday the man dragged himself into the doctor's
office with his right arm in a sling.
The doctor asked , "What happened to you?"
The man said, "No one showed up."
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also has the tendency to blacken finger nails.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers in the way, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Tools Explained
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your drink across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, 'Oh sh--!'
SKIL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle... It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a bearing race.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bumper.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and butchering your palms.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit. Also has the tendency to blacken finger nails.
UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes and fingers in the way, but only while in use.
SON-OF-A-BITCH TOOL: (A personal favorite!) Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling 'Son of a BITCH!' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
This is classic and so true!
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/01/24e206bb3bda3e7a1a2623a219cacc14.jpg
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first woman.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.
"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/04/73db6cb5044ec76d61d813c0eafdeada.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/04/6e4ed1a1987814b123eb5fac56f3de0b.jpg
The Rattler (BLR)
10-05-2015, 08:30 AM
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/05/6bc9bdd74987f7e2ec9bfb8f0a6f23fa.jpg
Beer Mod
10-05-2015, 09:12 AM
Haha
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/10/2671d7fcb4fd7d8611ed167f8b562421.jpg
A kid somewhere has a bus stop with COOL written all over it!
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/10/a39738854b6080bd8f2e4f0df6b59334.jpg
Funny neighborly dispute...
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/13/d2389a2f8d85ab0ae76c212af77af588.jpg
neil11975
10-13-2015, 07:34 PM
Haha
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/13/aef45846a9f72b54e7a36b2033915fc7.jpg
Yellow Toy
10-15-2015, 07:28 AM
How to get to Heaven from Ireland
I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven. I asked them, 'If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?'
'NO!' the children answered.
If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything Tidy, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, the answer was 'NO!' By now I was starting to smile. 'Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?'
Again, they all answered 'NO!'.
I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, 'Then how can I get into heaven?'
A six year-old boy shouted out: "YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN' DEAD...."
Beer Mod
10-15-2015, 08:54 AM
Haha
Scrat
10-16-2015, 04:15 PM
lmao
.
lmao !
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/16/ba88b06f913af65e06355af8b2e39fc4.jpg
......
.
Some of these Blonde jokes are just to funny .
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/17/4fc945fcb2668cf5aeb5d97085eac8f9.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/17/9066da7f0b2781008d70bf92848ad8e4.jpg
Some people just can't live with out it !!!
.
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/18/3fed8ae0cff408eb530ebf16d6de6e83.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/27/172d7b4f7ee12a23ca1fafba1953ba5c.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/28/c79a6a20bdca3042b458d3bb7d3fb3fd.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/28/9442c62d25feaa34d025aec57c4b8025.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/30/55a32efebe67ab0c81444aa549609dac.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/31/6f1e495f7704b555312bae1e21317cbf.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/10/31/6f1e495f7704b555312bae1e21317cbf.jpg
lol !!
The Rattler (BLR)
11-03-2015, 07:46 PM
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/03/9cff2f8748265348f986e34f60d3b4ca.jpg
TrailGirl78
11-04-2015, 08:12 AM
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/03/9cff2f8748265348f986e34f60d3b4ca.jpg
Yo go with that [emoji12][emoji12]
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/04/a9947b4947a80e138e0db6a10a966bb2.jpg
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
The Rattler (BLR)
11-04-2015, 11:02 AM
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/04/5c1c70b04280a572df3fed7179242445.jpg
TrailGirl78
11-04-2015, 11:32 AM
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/04/5c1c70b04280a572df3fed7179242445.jpg
That's hilarious!!!!!!
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
johnnycat8
11-04-2015, 12:12 PM
11151116
johnnycat8
11-04-2015, 12:13 PM
1117
Pipelayer
11-04-2015, 08:11 PM
Lol, every day
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
The Rattler (BLR)
11-05-2015, 10:53 AM
Just for you guys...lolhttp://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/05/750be88500d1e614588470e2df016a08.jpg
1117
yesterday , today and tomorrow !!
True That!
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/05/c16811d4b87d9057d21e3c6e3d6fea7d.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/05/7f8f9632733e1661613cf8943cb76b73.jpg
http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/15/11/05/78c2781241846946eb4227ab55d303df.jpg
A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.
When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.
After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.
Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.
Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"
__________________
Powered by vBulletin® Version 4.2.2 Copyright © 2024 vBulletin Solutions, Inc. All rights reserved.